This Never Happens To Me
by DrawMeASheep
Summary: OneShot, Singled Out. Calvin reflects on his adventures with NCIS.


Disclaimer: I don't own it, and I'm not making money on it, but I won't say no if you want to pay me to read it.

Spoilers: Singled Out.

Summary: I think I may have had this idea the first time I saw Singled Out, but I'd yet to break into the fandom and it fell by the wayside. Anyway, the repeat triggered a repressed memory. This is a little one-shot from Calvin-the-married-nerd's POV while he's in Interrogation. Fluffy, silly, and most definitely sheepish. That translates to 'Tiva,' in case you were wondering. It's gotta be bad when even the suspects are noticing.

* * *

I've decided there's a reason that these kinds of things never happen to me. I'm a safe guy. I might say I want the red Ferrari and supermodel mistress, but really, all I want is the silver Honda Accord and clean police record. Is that so much for a normal guy to ask?

They left me alone in this cold, dreary little room almost two hours ago. Is there anyone behind that mirror watching me? I suppose I could tap on the glass, but who knows what kind of reaction that would provoke if anyone really were watching. Watching me must be the most boring job in the world, and that's saying something when it comes from a certified public accountant.

That's how this whole thing got started. I wouldn't have ever thought about trying a dating service if one of my clients hadn't suggested it. He was looking for a way to write off Virginia's Singled Out as a business expense, which I couldn't ethically do. Come to think of it, I'm not even sure what kind of business it is that he runs. Why is he running around out there while I'm sort of under arrest by the US Navy?

I never should have registered for the weekend. It was just that everything fell together so perfectly! They were having the singles weekend, Debbie was going to be at her sister's, and I had to work…except that I didn't. I could have left when I didn't meet anyone the first night. Or when the guy in the Cubs hat stole my car, but no, I had to hold out. I had to wait for that one thing that never happened to me.

And then it did. I sat down at Natalie's table and the weekend started to look rosy. I couldn't believe she was actually attracted to me. She was so open and friendly, right up until the part where she threatened to dismember and murder me. I guess that's what happens when you do things you don't normally do. Guys like me don't go around touching women's backsides, no matter how hard they look like they're throwing themselves at us. This is usually made easier by the fact that women don't ever, ever throw themselves at guys like me.

It took about half an hour for Natalie…no, Tina? Xena? That can't be right. Anyway, it took half an hour for NotNatalie and Agent DiNozzo to drive me back to their headquarters. I wish I'd paid more attention, because I have no idea where I even am, much less how I'm going to get home. Are they allowed to hold me indefinitely? I wish I'd read the Patriot Act.

That Agent DiNozzo was careful to emphasize that I'm not under arrest. I think that might be bad. He and Xena were awfully casual about their questioning. It took me a moment to recognize her when she came into the room after she'd changed. I'd thought she was attractive dressed as Natalie, but was I wrong. A woman like her would never hit on a guy who looks like me. Unless he's a rock star, but even then…

Now, Agent DiNozzo, he's the kind of guy that gets a woman like her. When they were questioning me, I started to wonder if he already had. Everything looked so easy for him. He just pulled up a chair and sat right next to her, shoulder to shoulder. Sure they know each other because they work together, but I get uncomfortable shaking hands with women around my office. He was practically in her lap, and she didn't threaten him once, or even try to push him away.

I jump as Agent DiNozzo unexpectedly pops his head into the room. "Good news for you, Cal. We found your car and you're free to go."

This is almost too good to be true. "Really? I can take my car and go home?"

He points me toward an elevator and presses the call button. "Oh, I'm afraid we'll be hanging on to the car. It's still part of an active criminal investigation, but you'll get it back in a few weeks. I'll just need you to sign some forms so we can get that back to you once we're done with it." He smiles brightly and leads me through an empty room toward his desk. "Have a seat and slap your John Hancock on the bottom of each of these." He drops a sheaf of papers on the desk. "See, John Hancock was…"

I look up to tell him I know who John Hancock was, but the person he's actually talking to beats me to it. "I'm familiar with the US Constitution, Tony."

"Of course you are, Zee-vah." Ziva. Ziva, not Xena. She's sitting across the way, giving him a withering look, but it seems to roll right off his back. He turns back to me. "She's a clever one, Cal. You've gotta watch out for the ones who are beautiful and smart." And scary. Why isn't he scared of her?

She rolls her eyes, but she's half-smiling. I hurriedly go back to my forms when I see she's noticed that I'm looking at her. Agent DiNozzo strolls over to her desk. I can't hear what they're saying. They're probably talking about what a nerd I am. That's happened to me before. I hope this means things will be getting back to normal now. I think I've had enough of things that have never happened to me.

"I'm, um, I'm finished with my forms. Can I go now, Agent DiNozzo?"

"Sure, Cal. I'll take you outside. There's a bus stop down the street." He throws an arm around my shoulders as he takes me to the elevator. "Can I ask you a question, Cal?"

"Um, I guess so."

"And you'll be honest?"

"Sure."

"What'dja think of Ziva's glutes? Did they feel nice and tight or do you think she needs to spend more time in the gym?"

Out of nowhere, a knife flies into the wall, embedding itself. Agent DiNozzo doesn't seem fazed as he turns. "I'm just looking for an honest opinion. You never let _me_ touch it!"

Ziva has another knife out and Agent DiNozzo and I step into the elevator. If this is what happens to other people, I'm glad nothing ever happens to me.


End file.
